Why Am I Here?

Have you ever wondered "why am I here"? I do. Kind of a lot. I can actually get really frustrated with the (relative) simplicity of my life. I mean, not that I don't have issues and problems and drama, but in general, my life is pretty simple. I mean, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have some glamorous job that takes me around the world, and I'm not really a drama queen so things stay pretty calm around me... I'm just a regular person. I often wonder how God uses me where I am- or even if He uses me. Like, am I really some necessary part of the Creator God's big picture? Even in the ministries I'm involved with, I'm generally a behind-the-scenes kinda girl. I can easily become very disenchanted with my life. I feel like it might not be exciting enough, or earth-shaking enough. We aren't all born to be Beth Moores or Francis Chans or Perry Nobles. So what in the world am I doing here??

Today, however, I got a new perspective. Today I read Zac's blog. To give you a little background on Zac, he works at NewSpring Church (my church), is probably a little older than me (maybe mid-thirties), and cancer is eating him alive. He is dying a very slow, very painful death. He has a beautiful wife and adorable children that he will not live to see grow up. Despite the pain of this situation, he (and his wife) looks for ways to glorify our God in this suffering. The first I heard of Zac's situation was from this video, played at NewSpring early this year. It absolutely broke my heart, and I will never forget it. What courage and strength it must have taken for him to talk so candidly about losing his battle with cancer. Not only to talk about it, but to choose to use his suffering to give glory to our Father. I don't know that I would have the strength to do that if I was in his situation...

Then today, I came across his blog. He wrote three blog posts early this month on the topic of navigating through suffering. One of the frustrations that he has dealt with through all of this is the question "why am I still here"? He's in massive amounts of pain. He has planned for his family's provision after his death. He is so ready to be with our Father in Heaven. So why is he still here suffering? His answer is simple- move forward in what God has called for him to do here, until He calls him home.

So, what does this have to do with me? In those moments where I wonder if I'm making any difference, if my life truly does have impact, I remember that if it didn't- it would be because I'm Home with my Father. As long as I'm here, He's using me. As Zac said in his blog, it's a simple shift in focus from "what should I be doing?" to "where does God have me?". I'm here because God placed me here- right where I am. I am called to move forward. To continue. And to trust what Philippians 1:6 says: There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. He has promised to complete this work in me. And He's never broken a promise before.

Whitewashed Graves

So, I'm reading through Matthew right now (pathetically, I made the plan to read through the entire New Testament at the beginning of the year, and I am currently about to finish Matthew...), and I've been struck by Jesus' attitude towards the Pharisees. If Jesus is the hero of the story (and He is), than the Pharisees are the evil characters. In fact, my pastor said just this past Sunday that anytime the NT says "and then the Pharisees said...", it should always be followed by an ominous "Dun-dun-DUHHH...." Jesus generally had some very harsh things to say to them. This was particularly the case in Matthew 23, where He really let them have it. As I read it, though, it struck me that the Pharisees most likely sincerely thought their way was the right way. Now, they were sincerely wrong, but they didn't know that. They took great pride in knowing and interpreting the law, and they didn't realize that what they were doing- this policing of the people- was not what God had called them to do.

Jesus refers to the Pharisees as "white-washed graves", meaning their exterior is clean and well-kept, but on the inside they are, well, messy. They had the appearance of knowing everything there was to know about God (and they probably believed that was actually true), but when confronted with Him face to face, they were so caught up in their own "acts of worship" that they totally missed Him. He didn't fit into their box.

At first, I would be tempted to roll my eyes and wonder how in the world they could be so caught up in themselves that they missed GOD...but then, I pause. How often am I just a white-washed grave? I'm one of those people who likes to appear as though I have it all together- and my biggest fear is being found out. Because, truth be told, I don't. Especially in my walk with the Lord. I battle for motivation to spend time with Him. I'm self-centered and prideful, prone to envy and lacking in self-control. But, when I walk through the doors of a church...when I volunteer my time and services...when I go about my daily life- I do my best to look like I've got it together. And often I achieve my goal... But, in so many ways, I'm a white-washed grave. Same as the Pharisees. Sincerely thinking I have it all figured out- and missing Christ in the process.

Truthfully, in the midst of all my busy serving, worshiping, and worrying... I just don't expect to see Him show up- which is crazy because isn't He the reason for all the serving and worshiping? Just like the Pharisees didn't expect Him to appear, riding on a donkey, hanging out with hookers and robbers- I don't really look for Him in the so-called "worshipful busyness" of my days. As I come to this realization, I am again confronted with my desperate, constant need for His grace. And I am so thankful for His Word- and how a passage I've read again and again can teach me exactly what I need to know for this time in my life.

I don't want to be a white-washed grave. I want to know Him, not just to serve Him for the sake of serving. I want to see Him when He's near me. To recognize His love and mercy, and in that love- go forward and serve others. Because, at the end of the day, that's what the Pharisees missed every time. Love.

Ephesians 3:17-19

Top 5 Ways NOT to Ask A Girl Out... And yes, I'm speaking from experience.

So, I guess I always assumed guys just knew how to ask out girls... like it was an instinctual thing. However, the older I get, the more I realize some guys just don't know how to go about this conversation. I mean, I get it. It's intimidating to ask someone a question you're not really sure of the answer to. (Although, as a side note, if you're doing things correctly... you should feel pretty confident in her answer) It's not exactly an ego boost to be shot down. So, yeah, I get why guys are hesitant to ask out girls-- particularly face to face. However, I will say guys, if you want your success rate to go up, you're going to have to be willing to put yourself out there. It's just the truth. I'm always more likely to say yes if a guy says something like "I want to take you out on a date this weekend.." Girls like to be pursued. We really do. We don't want to pay for our dinner. We don't want to meet you at the restaurant (unless it's a blind date...which is a whole other blog). And we for sure don't want to be asked out via social networking sites... So, in an effort to help out the guys-- and because I'm for sure sick of being asked out like this. Here are the Top 5 Ways NOT to Ask A Girl Out (in no particular order):

• Number One: Facebook. Yeah, this one's happened to me SEVERAL times. Including twice by Facebook CHAT. Seriously, if you have no other means of getting in touch with her, solve that problem before you solve the problem of getting her to go out with you-- because Facebook is really just unacceptable. It's also not really the way you need to get to know a girl either. I mean, the first couple of times you meet a girl, if you want to chat with her or exchange messages- fine. However, if FB is where your "relationship" happens- as in, that is the ONLY way you communicate- news flash: you don't have a relationship.
• Number Two: Text Message. Yep. Had this one too. Again, nothing wrong with texting... However, if that where the majority of your conversation takes place, that's a problem. I mean, you have her phone number. Instead of texting, maybe, um... give her a call. She probably won't bite your head off. And if she does...well, stop calling. But don't take the coward's way out and ask her out by via "do u wanna get dinner l8tr? lol" It's not attractive. Trust me.
• Number Three: Through a friend. i.e... talking to a girl's friend and asking the friend what your chances are of her going out with you. It's awkward for everyone involved. The friend is put in the awkward position of speaking for someone else, you feel awkward because you're putting your business out there, and it's awkward for the girl you want to ask out because her friend WILL tell her you asked (we are GIRLS. It's what we do.), so then she knows that you know that she knows...well, you get the idea. All in all, it's just easier to ask her and allow her to tell you what she thinks of you... cut the middle-man (or woman, ask the case may be).
• Number Four: Not taking "no" for an answer. When a girl tells you no-- it does not mean try harder. It means move on. If you really feel like ya'll are meant for each other, she'll come around (I've seen it happen!). But she won't come around as long as you're hovering. Trust me. And in the meantime, you're spending a lot of time and emotional energy on someone who is very possibly the wrong person. Don't waste your life like that.
• Number Five: The "non-ask out". No one likes to feel vulnerable to hurt. There is no more vulnerable place for a girl to be than that place where the two of you are acting like a couple, but there has been no "Define The Relationship" conversation. If you are already taking her out to dinner, going to parties together, etc... Be a man and just have the "I really like you and want to date you" conversation. Seriously. It's not fair for you to have all the benefits of a girlfriend with none of the commitment. And if you like her enough to take her all over town... you like her enough to ask her out. And if you don't like her enough to ask her out- stop messing with her mind and treating her emotions like gum on the bottom of your shoe. That's just mean.

The Body

There are so many things I'd like to say in this post. So much has changed in such a short period of time. However, I will attempt keep this short and sweet-- and I'll try to keep the rambling to a minimum...

The Body of Christ. Without realizing it, I think I always assumed that The Body of Christ was the group of people who went to my church. We were the Body and we were all supposed to work together. If you didn't go to my church, you were part of a separate Body.

However, even when I believed The Body was basically comprised of the people in my own church, I knew in my mind what a backwards way this was of thinking. The Body of Christ is not limited to one building, or one style of worship, or one pastor. We, collectively, are ALL the Body of Christ. (See I Cor. 12)

I know that this is not exactly earth-shattering information for most of you. However, in the experiences I've had over the last two weeks, I've really gotten to know this truth at a level I've never experienced it in the past.

I left my church home of the last five years last week. It was hard. It was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. The thing that was toughest to communicate to all of the "but WHY's"was the fact that I didn't leave for a tangible "reason". There was nothing specific I could point to and say "this is why". More than anything, I just knew that the Lord wanted me somewhere else- and He wasn't going to stop prodding until I was obedient.

So now, the girl who thought that "The Body" was made up of the people who went to her church, is going to another church-- a very different church than the one she previously attended. I am loving every minute of it. I'm challenged in entirely new ways, and I am thinking about doing things I never thought I'd consider-- missions, full-time ministry, leaping forward into the unknown...

But, does this mean that I am part of a new Body? That switching churches means I have switched loyalties? No. You see, First Baptist is just as much part of The Body as NewSpring Church is. Someone who loves First Baptist probably wouldn't love how they do things at NewSpring. And that is such good news! First Baptist can continue ministering to those people who love their style and structure, and for those people who prefer something different-- there are places like NewSpring, Columbia Church, or any other church in Columbia! We aren't in competition. The Body is not the building we worship in, the group of people we worship with, or the way in which we worship on Sunday mornings. We are ALL The Body- and we all come with the same message, just in different packages... And rather than moving forward with the perspective that we are in competition with one another, how much better would it be if we went forward realizing that we are all working together for the same goal?

I'm pretty sure I know how Christ would feel about it. My favorite passage in the entire Bible is the section where he is in the Garden of Gethsemane, He's about to die on a cross, and He prays for us. Read it. John 17:6-26

My Top 3 of 2009

After reading a similar post on one of my favorite blogs, Andrew Peterson's The Rabbit Room, I have decided to post my top three movies, music, and books of 2009 :) Enjoy!

Movies:
Okay, so I really don't like to see movies in the theater... I can literally count on one hand the number of movies I actually went to a theater to see over the past year and usually it was because someone else wanted to go. So I bent my own rules a little to make this list. I would apologize, but it's my blog and I can do what I want to. So there. :)

• Slumdog Millionaire: Yes, this movie was actually released in the theater in 2008, but I didn't see it until 2009. This movie truly forced me to get outside of myself and to see life through the eyes of another. Yes, it was achingly sad to watch, but as much as it broke my heart, it also gave me hope. It's one of those movies I couldn't stop thinking about days after I saw it. That, my friend, is the mark of a truly good movie.
• Star Trek: Shocked? Yeah, me too. I went to see this movie with my parents over the summer and the only reason we went to it was because my dad wanted to see it (mom and I wanted to see Up). Truthfully, I like sci-fi type movies and tv shows, but usually these kinds of movies are poorly written and hastily thrown together (as in, all of the new Star Wars movies). I went in expecting to be bored and disappointed, but was more than a little surprised at how much I truly enjoyed this movie. It was funny (I mean laugh out loud funny), it didn't try to be an obnoxious tribute to the old movies, it was well-cast, and the plot was suspenseful and engaging.
  
• Little Dorrit: This was really a mini-series done by BBC, but, as I said, I don't see movies in the theater and this was one movie I loved and wanted to see again so it's on the list :) Charles Dickens is one of my favorite authors, and this mini-series beautifully adapted one of his books. It tells the story of one girl, Amy Dorrit, and her experiences going from absolute poverty to riches. Charles Dickens always has the best characters... His good characters are so, so good and his evil characters are truly evil. There's so much color and emotion in his stories and I love the layers within his storytelling. He doesn't just tell one story, he tells the stories of all of the characters. Andrew Davies wrote the screenplay for this-- he is best known for his screenplay for BBC's Pride and Prejudice-- and he has yet again perfectly adapted a classic piece of literature.

Music:
Music was both an easier and more difficult category for me to complete. I feel like I almost need to have different musical categories and do a top three within each category-- but for the sake of time (and to prevent carpal tunnel), I have begrudgingly narrowed it down to three albums I just can't seem to stop listening to.

• Waking Up (OneRepublic): All the Right Moves is seriously my new favorite song. I love the layers within their music-- the use of electronic sounds along with strings and pianos. The percussion hits hard and invokes an emotional response to the words being sung. A truly creative and fun album.
• Armistice (MuteMath): I have a weakness for this band... They are SO much fun and I love, love, love, love this album. Armistice is my favorite song on the album, but I love that each song has it's own personality and message. There is truly a song for every mood, and that, in my mind, is a mark of a great album.
  
• Prospekt's March (Coldplay EP): Okay, okay, so this album was actually released in 2008, but I didn't know it existed until 2009... It's Coldplay, so I can't not have it on my list. It's truly one of the best things my ears have listened to this year.
  
• Honorable Mentions: Church Music (David Crowder Band); Ocean Eyes (Owl City); Danyew-- he's released 3 short EPs, and each of them is creative, beautiful, and heart-wrenching

Books:
I love books, but this past year has been difficult for me to be able to sit down and complete a book. Therefore, this list is not my best- but I'll do the best I can :)

• Books 1 & 2 of The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson: I grabbed these books in October not really expecting much. Andrew Peterson is known for his song-writing and sometimes when singers (and actors, for that matter) try to cross over into novel-writers the results are a little sloppy. But these books truly, truly became one of my all-time favorite series. Peterson was able to write a story that integrated laugh-out-loud moments with moments that made me grab for the kleenex. I will say that this series is considered to be written for children, but no matter what age you are I promise you can't help but love them. Peterson has only written the first two in the series, and he is planning on five, so I am waiting impatiently for him to get writing on the next story. In the meantime, I am reading the first book in the series (On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness) to my third graders right now and am loving watching them love these books too.
  
• Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore: Don't read this book if you're not comfortable with being slapped in the face with your own selfishness and stereotypes. This is a memoir written by two men who are very unlikely friends. Ron is a multi-million dollar earning art dealer, and Denver spent most of his life homeless. The book is basically a series of vignettes telling about their lives, their spiritual journeys, and their friendship with one another. I don't know that any book has convicted me on my propensity to pre-judge and stereotype people more than this book. If you haven't read it yet, I strongly (strongly!) recommend that you do. It will break your heart in all the right ways.
• The Voice New Testament: This modern Bible translation was one that I hesitated to put onto my blog-- mostly because people get a little bent out of shape when they hear the words "modern Bible translation". However, I absolutely love this translation. I find it easier to use than it's predecessor, The Message, mostly because the language is exquisite and poetic. This translation was completed by leaders of the emergent church movement (including Chris Seay, Lauren Winner, Brian McLaren, and many others). Each book has an introduction that is written to tell it's back story, but unlike many translations, it doesn't give you just the facts. Every introduction is written almost like a story or poem, and it gets you engaged in what you are about to read in a new way. I will say that I don't really recommend this translation if you are looking to do some heavy-duty hermeneutics with the scriptures. However, it's a great tool to use when trying to relate scripture to young people and to people who don't read the Bible very much and aren't used to it's language.

So, there it is! My top three of 2009... I'm looking forward to my new discoveries in 2010 :)

Choosing What is Better

So after listening to approximately five sermons on Mary and Martha over the past year, all by different pastors, I figured God may be trying to tell me something. After much thought and reflection, here is what I learned from Martha and Mary...
In Luke 10:38-41, Jesus and his disciples go to visit the home of siblings Martha, Lazarus, and Mary. Martha, being the homeowner and hostess, immediately busies herself with all of the preparations a party and big meal require. Mary, meanwhile, is found sitting at the feet of Jesus. Martha is, of course, annoyed by this because she's over here slaving away and her sister is just sitting there making googly eyes at the rabbi! So, she walks up to Jesus and lets her frustration be known. "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work? Tell her to help me!" In the past, I always read Jesus' response as "Martha, Martha (deep sigh of disappointment) you are over-busy, you have a bad attitude, and you should learn a little something from Mary's Godly example". I need to pause here for just a moment and tell you that Jesus' response always kind of annoyed me. I mean, Martha is doing what needs to be done! Reality is that if Martha wasn't working to get everything prepared, everyone would be hungry, frustrated, and blaming her poor organizational skills. So Martha lets it be known that she could use a little help and Jesus makes her feel bad about it! Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it all went down, but that's the way I have always read it before.
Confession time. The reason I have always been annoyed by Jesus' response is because I really, really have a lot in common with Martha. I mean, I think we may be related. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being a doer like Martha! I mean, someone's got to take care of the details, right?
But after many, many, many sermons on this passage, I realized that maybe God wanted me to take a closer look (what can I say? I'm a little stubborn sometimes...). So here are two main things I realized about Martha (and myself).
First- Martha really just needed some affirmation that what she was doing was valuable. Clayton King of NewSpring Church pointed this out in a message I listened to today, and it really impacted me. The first thing Martha says to Jesus is "Lord, don't you care...?" After reading that, I realized that generally, that's what I say to Jesus when stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. "Hello up there? Don't you see I'm drowning here?!" Martha (like all women), just needed someone to acknowledge what she was going through. Jesus' response of "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset by many things" is so true. Because in a woman's mind, if one thing's wrong it will set off an emotional chain-reaction. Women can get from "Man, I'm tired" to "NOBODY LOVES ME!" in about 5 seconds. And that was where Martha was. She was tired, overwhelmed, and upset that her sister wasn't helping (and probably jealous that Mary was doing what she wanted to do too). But from that seed of frustration she took an emotional journey to "Don't you CARE?!". Jesus' response of "Martha, Martha" was actually showing a great amount of care. In those times, to say someone's name twice was to show deep love and concern. Matthew Henry says in his commentary on this that to say her name twice was to "speak as one in earnest and deeply concerned for her welfare". Wow! He really does care-- even though we so often get upset about things that really aren't going to decide the fate of the universe. Jesus wasn't putting down Martha's hard work or her frustration about the situation, he was gently and lovingly pointing out that although dinner is important, there are so many other things that matter-- and her emotional outburst wasn't going to manipulate Him to rebuke Mary's decision to sit at His feet.
Which leads me to the second thing I realized... Maybe part of why Martha was admonished is because she was focusing on the wrong person. As a teacher, when I talk to a student about a behavior issue, many times the student's response is "But look at Johnny! What about him?!". Siblings often do that to each other too. I remember so many times when I was focused on what my brother was or was not doing, or on what he was or was not getting. The truth of the matter is that Jesus wants us to do what our parents always told us to do "take care of yourself-- let me worry about them". Even still, particularly in ministry, I allow Satan to rob my joy for serving others by redirecting my attention to the person who is not only not helping me, she is also getting all of the attention. Suddenly, I want a little attention too. A little "nice work Evie, we couldn't survive without you!". But Mary really did get it right-- because what she was doing was all about Jesus. Martha could have just as easily gotten it right too- not by stopping what she was doing and sitting at the feet of the rabbi, but by simply resting in what Jesus thinks about her ("Martha, Martha...") and continuing her work with a heart of a servant who has confidence in her rabbi's love for her (Jn. 11:5), instead of focusing on what her sister wasn't doing.
As I reflect on this passage, it feels like it was the theme of my year. I can almost hear the Father saying to me "Evangeline, Evangeline...". I have doubted, questioned, and argued. Dealt with inadequacy, fear, and insecurity. It's been possibly the biggest year-long spiritual battle I've ever been through-- and I have repeatedly questioned if He cared, or even if He was there at all. All along He has been whispering to me "Evangeline, Evangeline...". As I look forward to the upcoming year, it is my prayer that I can hold on to this lesson. There is really only one thing that is needed-- and I already have Him.
May we all choose what is better in 2010.

Do you like me? Check Yes or No.

Note passed from one student to another in my class, intercepted by me:

I like you Amy I am just ask if you least one to be my girl friend this is coming from the heart I like you Amy this song is dedacatid to you look in to my eyes and try to feel my pain do you no how it feels in the rain each and someone is judging me and were I live and how I live on the streets.

** FYI: the student who he passed the note to was not named Amy-- apparently he didn't know her name... Not sure where the last couple of lines came from or what they had to do with her being his girlfriend, but apparently he thought it was important information.

Second attempt at note passed from student to same girl-- again intercepted by me:
I like you Amy will you be my girlfriend and I love you plus I will do your homework for you I love you so much you don't even know it I love I hope you Amy say is love you are hot so hot that I want to kiss you I just love you will like that because I love you have day.


**All spelling errors were corrected by me.. Trust me, this girl doesn't want him doing her homework, at least not his spelling homework!