Lately

So much joy in the past months. Finally getting to be with the one I love every day. Moving forward instead of standing still. And yet, I struggle. I've always told myself that I am a creature of habit. That I simply crave routine for the sense of security it gave me. But as days go by with a new routine, I find that what I always thought about my needs for routine were wrong. I was comfortable. Life was not always happy or perfect, but in many ways it was easy. I knew my place and what others expected of me. I felt needed and necessary. My life moved along at a pace that I chose. It was all. about. me.

Now, I'm in a new place, with new faces, a new job, and a whole new set of emotions. In that process, I feel that I have been exposed to myself and everyone around me for what I really am. I left behind dear friends, and now in this new place I feel like I'm imposing. Asking people to scoot over, make room for the new girl. My life is much simpler. I watch David loving every minute of his new ministry. I see his success and joy. I watch my friends go on with life without me in it. And I wonder...God, do You have a plan for me? I find myself not longing for a routine, but instead longing for a place. Where do I fit? How do I belong? And yet, I am pierced when I realize that nowhere in those thoughts am I really thinking of how I love others- rather, it's how others love me. I want those questions answered so I feel like I'm important. It's still all. about. me. My sin and ugliness is exposed. It's as if, in the monotony of my routine, I realize I had found ways to consistently cover up all my pride and self-absorption. And in this new place, it is wide open, exposed to me and everyone else. All of my selfishness, pride, and self-serving actions brought out for what they really are. And in the midst of this exposure, I realize that people love me so much better than I love them- especially those I love the most.

Grace is such a beautiful thing. And God's timing ever so perfect. As I battle through this, I have other loved ones who are struggling through the same things- what a ministry they have been to me. Especially my sweet cousin Julie, who is battling with illness while serving with her husband and two young children as missionaries in South Asia. Even though our circumstances are very different, God consistently speaks to me through her honesty and openness about where she is and how she's struggling. Our battles are so similar, and Her words and encouragement have been balm for my heart. There is hope for this ugliness...I am loved in spite of it. David has been beyond wonderful. He works to make me feel included and valuable, and loves me even in the midst of my ugliest of ugly moments. So in all of this brokenness, I'm beginning to have hope. God will use me and He will heal my heart in the process. This breaking down is not forever and it is for my good- I will love Him, David, my family, and those who I minister to better on the other side of this.

I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

Have you ever been so happy and blessed, you felt like you could explode with joy? I have...in fact, I DO! There are so many things coming together in my life right now that I honestly thought would NEVER, EVER come together. You know that passage in Ephesians where it talks about God doing "immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine"? Well, that's what I feel like is happening in my life right now. Great, right?! So why am I struggling with enjoying it?

A long time ago, I published this quote on my blog:

The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love that quote. I published it because it's so true- at least, for me it is. I find that in the midst of all this joy, I find that I struggle with feeling like it's wrong for me to be excited about my life. I told some dear friends of mine that I can't seem to be happy because it's never worked out before and I find myself constantly worrying and waiting for everything to fall apart. Beyond that, I struggle with constant feelings of unworthiness. Why is my life so blessed right now when so many people I care about are going through heartbreak, sorrow, and loneliness? I'm not perfect- at all- so why me? Ugh, it's times like these that I know I'm a woman because I'm pretty sure guys just DON'T worry about stuff like this... So what's my take away in all of this? I'm not finished struggling. In fact, it's a day to day, moment by moment battle. BUT- two things stand out...

First, I'm never ever worthy. No matter how good I am, there's nothing that makes me worthy of God's favor. Rahab was a big time screw up...prostitute, liar, etc... But God redeemed her, gave her a new chance, and allowed her to be in the line of CHRIST. Why? Not because Rahab cleaned up her life and started living perfectly- but because that's how God works. It's not about me. It's about Christ in me. God's love doesn't operate by "the better you live, the more blessed you are." Maybe God's blessing me now to help me understand that it's not about how good I am, rather it's about how good He is to me...even when I don't deserve it.

The second point is actually a question: What am I doing to honor God with these blessings? If God's worked things out for me in this way, how am I honoring Him both in the midst of this and in the time after?

Like I said before, I don't really have all of the answers now. It's still a daily battle...but I want to honor God with these times. I want to glorify Him. I want to look back over this time with others and say "only God could have do, worked things out like that." He is so good to us, not because of what we do, but in spite of it.

"Church People" and Other Mysteries

I grew up in church and around "church people". In fact, I am the child of someone who chose full-time ministry as a career. That's right, I grew up in a bubble where my actions, attitudes, and spiritual walk were constantly held up to a measuring stick- and let me tell you, people were quick to take note when I screwed up. You would think that this would give me an angry or jaded point of view on ministry and church people- and at one time, that would have been right. Thankfully, despite some really bad experiences, I've had an equal or greater share of positive experiences with church and the people who work in them. But, when talking to people about church and ministry, I often come across the same set of excuses for why church and hanging out with "church people" is not for them. So, in the great tradition I have of making lists on this blog, I give you....a list of reasons/excuses people have given me for not going to and/or getting involved in church (I know, I know. I tried to think of a catchy title, but this is all I can come up with. Suggestions are welcome.)

1. People who go to church have their crap "together"- Um, no. Some of the most screwed up people I've come across in my 30 years on this earth are people who are Christians. Church is for the broken, not the healed (btw- none of us are "healed"). If you walk into a church and you don't feel free to be real with people about who you are and what you're struggling with, turn around and walk out. Seriously. But don't walk home, walk to another church. And another, and another...until you find a church where it's okay to be messed up. Because it's out there.

2. Someone in a church hurt me, and Christians aren't supposed to do that.- Again, I grew up in ministry- in fact, I've been deeply involved in ministry myself- working with and for churches. I'm pretty familiar with how it feels to be hurt and disappointed by someone you at one time spiritually respected. Truth be told, the people who have hurt me the most are people who are Christians- not because they're terrible people, but because being a Christian doesn't make us holy overnight. I am just as capable of saying the wrong thing and being a jerk as I ever was...the only difference is that I'm forgiven and have freedom from those bad attitudes. You're right, church is a place where you should never feel like you're being judged by standards you don't understand, agree with, or know existed. And people in church shouldn't be sneaky, underhanded, or liars. But there are sinful, fallen, screwed up people everywhere- and the church is definitely not immune to it. As my pastor says, being a Christian doesn't make you not a jerk- in fact, for some people, being a Christian is license to be a jerk in the name of GOD! Seriously though, you should feel free to be a work in progress. But also remember, the person who hurt you is a work in progress too- and if you don't like them expecting perfection from you, don't expect perfection from them.

3. I go to church, but I still have problems. In fact, they're worse!- Nope, that's not how church works. Life still happens, and things NEVER go according to plan. Running to God only when there's a problem is similar to being "friends" with that person that only talks to you when they're not in a relationship. Not cool- and God never promised to be "Mr. Fix-It-All the Holy Handyman!". He did promise to be with you and to not change or leave your side. I can't tell you how many times God made His presence and provision known in my life at just the right time. I have to say that I had to choose to either be ruled by my circumstances or to allow God to rule over my circumstances. Also, there are precious people in my life that have blessed me beyond measure that I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for situations I thought were un-redeemable. I'm so glad God is all about the big-picture.

4. Church is nice, but I the people are weird.- Oh yeah, church is definitely a breeding ground for some odd birds! I've been stuck in places where I was like "Everyone here is weird- or am I weird and everyone else is normal?" Don't answer that question. All I can say is, if you really feel like you don't fit in, seek out the "normal" people and spend your time with them (normal people are usually easily identifiable in the sea of strangeness), or if you really think you can't fit in- go to a church that you feel comfortable. Trying to force yourself to be comfortable in an awkward place is just going to make you resent going to church.

5. Church is boring.- Um, not where I'm going to church! Here's a few examples of not-boring churches out there today:

http://www.newspring.cc/

http://www.newspring.org/

http://www.northpoint.org/

http://www.elevationchurch.org/

If you go to church and think it's boring, go to a place that's NOT boring. The great thing about church today is that there really is a flavor for everybody. It might take time, patience, and perseverance, but you will reap the benefits if you put in the effort.

Final Note:

Despite the tongue in cheek attitude of this post, in reality I am daily saddened by the view the world has of the church and the people that follow Christ. I love my church, and I love my Savior. I have experienced the joy of relationship with my Creator, and the joy that comes from serving and loving others. However, I am seeing more and more how the church is becoming so distracted by it's own people and problems, we are forgetting what God put us here to do. So much time and energy is put into debating theology and worship-style...and where in the Bible does it tell us what kind of music to play in church? Christ came to seek and save the lost, hurting, and empty of this world- I was one of them...but so often I am too content with walking by those who are now in the position I was once in. Our hearts should ache more- and that sorrow should lead us to action. But too often we are distracted by ourselves.

Top 10 of 2010 pt. 2

6. NewSpring Church. I love my church. Joining NewSpring was easily the best decision I made in 2010. You should check it out.

7. Audrey Assad. Absolutely the most gorgeous voice out there right now, in my opinion. I'd heard her song Winter Snow on Chris Tomlin's Christmas album, but she only recently released her first independent album. She came to First Baptist, touring with Tenth Avenue North, and she was so sweet, down to earth, and fun. Her lyrics are as soulful and genuine as she is as a person. I highly recommend her! (I especially recommend her song "Restless")

8. Needtobreathe. This is a bit of a stretch, since I've really known about them for a while, but with their newest album, they went from a band I like to a band I love! Fabulous voices, very different style, not so "Christian music-y" (you know what I mean). I actually play their album in my classroom while the kids are working. They sing along to The Outsiders every time :) And for those of you who love them already- you should know there's a new live EP available for download on iTunes called Live Horses!

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 1. Even if you aren't a huge fan of the first movies, I urge you to see this one. One of the things I like about J.K. Rowling is that as the Harry Potter series progressed, her writing grew with her readers. As Harry grew up, the books matured and became more focused, serious, and grave. I have gotten flack from time to time that these books support or encourage witchcraft- which is, in some ways, true. One of the things I love about the books is that Rowling makes it very clear that one must choose between good and evil- choosing not to choose is the same as siding with evil. All of this translates beautifully in the movie. One of my friends said, after watching it, that it was "like watching a grown-up movie." Meaning, you didn't feel like you were watching a movie based on children's literature. Which is very true. It is action-packed, filled with good, evil, and sorrow. There are very few light moments in this movie- much like the book it is based off of. You will get to the end of this movie about to jump out of your skin to see part two (due out next July)!

10. Greenville, SC. I love this city! My friend Ashley and I are obsessed with it! We went to the 10 year anniversary celebration of NewSpring Church and we stayed in downtown Greenville. Best. Weekend. Ever. Such a fantastic downtown! It has a really artsy vibe, a gorgeous park smack in the middle of downtown, lots of fun shopping, and fantastic restaurants. My favorite little coffee place is Coffee Underground- best latte I've ever had. Also, if you're a yogurt fan, check out the Blueberry Frog. Downtown Greenville also has great festivals, so you may want to check & see when one will be going on before you plan a trip. The other nice thing about Greenville is that it's so close to so many other things- there's really something for everyone. Amazing hiking at Jones Gap State Park and Ravencliff Falls, a fabulous outlet mall in Gaffney, and fun little small towns like Laurens and Anderson just a short drive away from the main city.

So that's it! My top ten of 2010!!

Top 10 of 2010 (pt. 1)

So, last year I did a "Top 3 of 2009"- you can read that post here. This year, I'm doing a top 10 of 2010! This is a list of my favorite books/authors, movies, music, and whatever else that I discovered in 2010 that I deem amazing. The list is in no particular order- they're just the 10 best :) I'm publishing part one today, and I'll publish part two some time in the next few days (it was a little long to have all in one post). I've also added links to websites that will give you more info on these things.

Hope you enjoy it!

1. Donald Miller. Easily the best discovery I made in 2010. I've been told for years that I would like him, but I stubbornly avoided reading his books. Initially, I wasn't sure I liked his writing style- it almost feels like he's just sitting across the table from me in a coffee shop conversing about any and everything. His writing has a very journal-like quality to it that I wasn't used to. However, when his newest book Father Fiction came out, I was finally convinced I needed to give him a shot. Although my dad is the best dad I could ask for, there was still so much in this book that spoke to my heart and gave me greater understanding about what it's like for those growing up fatherless. (Truth be told, after reading it, I developed a bit of a crush on Don :) As a teacher, Father Fiction gave me a better grasp of what my students go through daily living without a dad. As a friend, it helped me understand my friends who battled through all those difficult and awkward growing-up experiences without a dad as a guide and guardian. After reading Father Fiction, I devoured Blue Like Jazz (his most famous writing, which is now being made into a movie), then A Million Miles in A Thousand Years, and I've been reading his blog religiously. The thing I love most about him is that he's remarkably intelligent and yet is still very down to earth- it's a fabulous combination. I desperately want to attend one of his writing conferences, but they're a little out of a teacher's budget- anyone feel like sponsoring me? :)

2. Skinny Pants. Seriously! These things really were an amazing discovery for me. I never really thought I could wear them because I've got curves and thought only girls that were just under 6 feet tall and right at 100 pounds could pull them off, but due to the coldness of this past winter, I bought them out of desperation. Originally, I was just wearing them during cold months, tucked inside of boots. However, I have branched out to other skinny pants- and now the vast majority of my pants are the skinny variety. They are extremely comfortable, keep their shape better than any other jeans I have, and make me feel skinny (which I didn't think was going to happen in such close-fitting jeans). I will point out that I'm talking about skinny jeans, NOT jeggings (a.k.a. denim leggings)! I'm not as big a fan of the jegging- they're basically denim tights and I don't really think girls should wear them unless their B.M.I. is 0.2%...which is not the case for me. The main thing I would recommend when trying skinny pants is getting ones that fit close, but don't fit tight around the lower calf/ankle area. I would also not recommend wearing the skinny style jeans if you are more of a pear shape. But, if you're fairly proportional- give them a shot, regardless of your size. You may be pleasantly surprised! Old Navy is having a huge sale on their jeans Dec. 26th & 27th. A great opportunity to try out skinny jeans for just $15! (P.S. Guys, I really don't have a problem with ya'll trying out skinny jeans too, but if you are wearing either jeggings or women's jeans please be prepared for pointing and laughing.)

3. Rick Riordan. Many of you are aware of my love for children's literature. This writer is one of my new favorites! I started off reading his Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, and I ended up reading every single book Rick Riordan has written. He has a writing style that is sort of a male counterpart to J.K. Rowling. I like the adventurous elements of his books, as well as his excellent character development, and the historical aspects of his books. His books are all based around ancient mythology, so it's been very educational reading! He has a new series called the Kane Chronicles, which is based around Egyptian mythology, and another series called The Heroes of Olympus, which melds Roman and Greek mythology- it also has many of the characters found in the Percy Jackson series. By the way, don't check out the Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief movie- it's nothing like the book and very poorly done, in my opinion.

4. The Sing Off. I absolutely LOVE this series. It came out in 2009 right before Christmas and my parents and I spent an entire night watching the dvr-ed series! Nota totally deserved the win, by the way. This year it was even better! I love that this is a short series (just 5 episodes), and it's about real vocal performers. You're not forced to sit through painfully awkward audition episodes. If they're on the show, it's because they are very gifted artists. That makes it so much more fun to watch. However, Nicole Sherzinger, who is one of the judges, more than makes up for all the missing audition awkwardness. Every time she spoke I found myself averting my eyes and needing something to do with my hands... The other two judges, Ben Folds and Shawn Stockman (of Boyz 2 Men fame), are fantastic. They are very professional, know what they're talking about, and are not at all Simon Cowell-like when talking to the contestants. I was a huge fan of Street Corner Symphony this year (I was a little "cray-cray" about them, according to my mother). If you missed the series, you should definitely get caught up on hulu.

5. Jon Acuff. My pastor started talking about this hilarious book he'd been reading called Stuff Christians Like. After he spoke about it, one of my best friends began reading this book and constantly told me to "read this stinking book immediately!" One night she started reading some of the book out loud and I started laughing so hard I was crying. After that, I borrowed the book from her and found myself pulling it out and reading excerpts to any and everyone who would listen. He also has a blog by the same name (actually the blog came before the book), which I now read daily. It's really his observations on the silliness of Christians and how we really do have weird habits/traditions/quirks that are always true everywhere you go. My favorites are: Understanding how Metrosexual Your Worship Leader is (a handy guide); Surviving Church as a Single; Leg Dropping Elves (or the Real Meaning of Christmas); and The Jesus Juke

But just in case you were thinking he's all silly and no serious, you are very wrong. In fact, he started writing a series of more serious posts called "Serious Wednesdays" (obviously, these are published every Wednesday). The last 3 Serious Wednesday posts have made me cry- because of the insight and truth I've encountered in them. My recent favorite is The "R" Word. I read it at work, which actually turned out to be a bad idea because I was bawling at my desk when my students came back from P.E... But you should definitely check him out- again, you won't be sorry!

Okay folks, that's all for today! Stay tuned for part two! :)

2010

2010. Possibly one of the most joy-filled and pain-filled years of my life. So much has changed- and yet none of those changes are particularly obvious to anyone but me. It has been a year of immense growth. A painful stretching of myself and my understanding of God. So what's different? What have I learned?

God doesn't change. I know that this is not a new concept- it's something that I've always known about God. But this year, more than any other in my life, has been one that has made me appreciate His constancy. The idea of Him being my Rock and my Fortress has never been so real, or so desperately needed as it has been this year. He stays the same. His love doesn't change. His goodness does not waver. For me, this year has been up and down, back and forth, high and low...and I have found myself clinging to His solid foundation.

I am dearly loved. By a God who allowed His son to be tortured for my rescue, by a family that cheers for me, by friends who would do anything for me. I know that this love has always been present, but when I was drowning in my circumstances- this love was the life-boat I needed to get through each moment. Thank you, dear ones, for your constant love. I have needed it more desperately this year than any other I have experienced.

Despite my many (many) faults, flaws, and failures, God has a plan for me. I'm not going to lie, this one is still very difficult for me to swallow. But it's the truth whether my heart believes it or not- and I tell myself that truth as much as possible so that hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to live daily in the joy and victory I've been given.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Maybe, through my story, you can find a little hope in your hard circumstances too. The truths that I have discovered this year are just as true for you- God is the only constant in life, you are dearly loved (maybe it doesn't feel like it- but you are), and our Father has a great plan for you.

Summer Musings...

So, being that I have immense amounts of free time right now, I have plenty of time to ponder life's great questions. Not that I'm doing that- but I have time to if I want to! Anyway, here are some random things that I have discovered about myself this summer...

• Donald Miller is my new favorite author. Seriously, why didn't I listen to all of those people who told me I would love him (sorry mom!)? So far I've read Father Fiction (amazing) and Blue Like Jazz (I laughed, I cried...I laughed again). I have no idea why I never read anything by him before. He's funny, honest, and really wants to live a life that honors God. And what I really like about him is rather than telling other people how they can get it together, he brings us along on his journey as he attempts to get it together. I've decided that if we lived on the same side of the country, and we had a means of meeting, we would definitely be friends.
• After watching endless episodes of Ace of Cakes, I have decided I need to: learn to be a cake decorator, move to Baltimore, work at Charm City Cakes, be best friends with Mary Alice, and marry Geof (he's such a cutie! A dead pan, dry-humor kind of cute).
• I love having time to have full and complete conversations with God any time of day. Usually at work I start talking to God about something, and then get distracted. When I get home from work I can't even put a complete sentence together, and I find I have the same problem at 5:30am- the time I usually wake up. I love being able to stop wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, and talk to God about concerns or discover things He's been trying to tell me for awhile.
• I really, really, really want a dog. It's bad. And this is a problem because I don't have the money for one at all. I also want a bigger dog, which isn't exactly conducive to apartment living. Oh well, maybe one day...
• I am a blessed girl. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, and who pushes me to reach my potential and use my gifts for His glory. I have been blessed with amazing friends and family who love the Lord and teach me about Him every day. I have a comfortable and beautiful home- with working air conditioning!
• I am again reminded that to whom much is given much is expected. I don't know exactly how that will look in my life in the future- but I definitely feel the Lord prodding me towards bigger and better things. And I am excited about the future.

I know this post is rather uninteresting, but that's all I can come up with now... All in all, summer is my favorite time of year. Warm weather, getting to sleep in, spending time with friends and loved ones, reading to my hearts content, these are a few of my favorite things... I will love it while I can, because the school year will be upon me before I can blink!