Lately

So much joy in the past months. Finally getting to be with the one I love every day. Moving forward instead of standing still. And yet, I struggle. I've always told myself that I am a creature of habit. That I simply crave routine for the sense of security it gave me. But as days go by with a new routine, I find that what I always thought about my needs for routine were wrong. I was comfortable. Life was not always happy or perfect, but in many ways it was easy. I knew my place and what others expected of me. I felt needed and necessary. My life moved along at a pace that I chose. It was all. about. me.

Now, I'm in a new place, with new faces, a new job, and a whole new set of emotions. In that process, I feel that I have been exposed to myself and everyone around me for what I really am. I left behind dear friends, and now in this new place I feel like I'm imposing. Asking people to scoot over, make room for the new girl. My life is much simpler. I watch David loving every minute of his new ministry. I see his success and joy. I watch my friends go on with life without me in it. And I wonder...God, do You have a plan for me? I find myself not longing for a routine, but instead longing for a place. Where do I fit? How do I belong? And yet, I am pierced when I realize that nowhere in those thoughts am I really thinking of how I love others- rather, it's how others love me. I want those questions answered so I feel like I'm important. It's still all. about. me. My sin and ugliness is exposed. It's as if, in the monotony of my routine, I realize I had found ways to consistently cover up all my pride and self-absorption. And in this new place, it is wide open, exposed to me and everyone else. All of my selfishness, pride, and self-serving actions brought out for what they really are. And in the midst of this exposure, I realize that people love me so much better than I love them- especially those I love the most.

Grace is such a beautiful thing. And God's timing ever so perfect. As I battle through this, I have other loved ones who are struggling through the same things- what a ministry they have been to me. Especially my sweet cousin Julie, who is battling with illness while serving with her husband and two young children as missionaries in South Asia. Even though our circumstances are very different, God consistently speaks to me through her honesty and openness about where she is and how she's struggling. Our battles are so similar, and Her words and encouragement have been balm for my heart. There is hope for this ugliness...I am loved in spite of it. David has been beyond wonderful. He works to make me feel included and valuable, and loves me even in the midst of my ugliest of ugly moments. So in all of this brokenness, I'm beginning to have hope. God will use me and He will heal my heart in the process. This breaking down is not forever and it is for my good- I will love Him, David, my family, and those who I minister to better on the other side of this.