Lately

So much joy in the past months. Finally getting to be with the one I love every day. Moving forward instead of standing still. And yet, I struggle. I've always told myself that I am a creature of habit. That I simply crave routine for the sense of security it gave me. But as days go by with a new routine, I find that what I always thought about my needs for routine were wrong. I was comfortable. Life was not always happy or perfect, but in many ways it was easy. I knew my place and what others expected of me. I felt needed and necessary. My life moved along at a pace that I chose. It was all. about. me.

Now, I'm in a new place, with new faces, a new job, and a whole new set of emotions. In that process, I feel that I have been exposed to myself and everyone around me for what I really am. I left behind dear friends, and now in this new place I feel like I'm imposing. Asking people to scoot over, make room for the new girl. My life is much simpler. I watch David loving every minute of his new ministry. I see his success and joy. I watch my friends go on with life without me in it. And I wonder...God, do You have a plan for me? I find myself not longing for a routine, but instead longing for a place. Where do I fit? How do I belong? And yet, I am pierced when I realize that nowhere in those thoughts am I really thinking of how I love others- rather, it's how others love me. I want those questions answered so I feel like I'm important. It's still all. about. me. My sin and ugliness is exposed. It's as if, in the monotony of my routine, I realize I had found ways to consistently cover up all my pride and self-absorption. And in this new place, it is wide open, exposed to me and everyone else. All of my selfishness, pride, and self-serving actions brought out for what they really are. And in the midst of this exposure, I realize that people love me so much better than I love them- especially those I love the most.

Grace is such a beautiful thing. And God's timing ever so perfect. As I battle through this, I have other loved ones who are struggling through the same things- what a ministry they have been to me. Especially my sweet cousin Julie, who is battling with illness while serving with her husband and two young children as missionaries in South Asia. Even though our circumstances are very different, God consistently speaks to me through her honesty and openness about where she is and how she's struggling. Our battles are so similar, and Her words and encouragement have been balm for my heart. There is hope for this ugliness...I am loved in spite of it. David has been beyond wonderful. He works to make me feel included and valuable, and loves me even in the midst of my ugliest of ugly moments. So in all of this brokenness, I'm beginning to have hope. God will use me and He will heal my heart in the process. This breaking down is not forever and it is for my good- I will love Him, David, my family, and those who I minister to better on the other side of this.

I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

Have you ever been so happy and blessed, you felt like you could explode with joy? I have...in fact, I DO! There are so many things coming together in my life right now that I honestly thought would NEVER, EVER come together. You know that passage in Ephesians where it talks about God doing "immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine"? Well, that's what I feel like is happening in my life right now. Great, right?! So why am I struggling with enjoying it?

A long time ago, I published this quote on my blog:

The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love that quote. I published it because it's so true- at least, for me it is. I find that in the midst of all this joy, I find that I struggle with feeling like it's wrong for me to be excited about my life. I told some dear friends of mine that I can't seem to be happy because it's never worked out before and I find myself constantly worrying and waiting for everything to fall apart. Beyond that, I struggle with constant feelings of unworthiness. Why is my life so blessed right now when so many people I care about are going through heartbreak, sorrow, and loneliness? I'm not perfect- at all- so why me? Ugh, it's times like these that I know I'm a woman because I'm pretty sure guys just DON'T worry about stuff like this... So what's my take away in all of this? I'm not finished struggling. In fact, it's a day to day, moment by moment battle. BUT- two things stand out...

First, I'm never ever worthy. No matter how good I am, there's nothing that makes me worthy of God's favor. Rahab was a big time screw up...prostitute, liar, etc... But God redeemed her, gave her a new chance, and allowed her to be in the line of CHRIST. Why? Not because Rahab cleaned up her life and started living perfectly- but because that's how God works. It's not about me. It's about Christ in me. God's love doesn't operate by "the better you live, the more blessed you are." Maybe God's blessing me now to help me understand that it's not about how good I am, rather it's about how good He is to me...even when I don't deserve it.

The second point is actually a question: What am I doing to honor God with these blessings? If God's worked things out for me in this way, how am I honoring Him both in the midst of this and in the time after?

Like I said before, I don't really have all of the answers now. It's still a daily battle...but I want to honor God with these times. I want to glorify Him. I want to look back over this time with others and say "only God could have do, worked things out like that." He is so good to us, not because of what we do, but in spite of it.

"Church People" and Other Mysteries

I grew up in church and around "church people". In fact, I am the child of someone who chose full-time ministry as a career. That's right, I grew up in a bubble where my actions, attitudes, and spiritual walk were constantly held up to a measuring stick- and let me tell you, people were quick to take note when I screwed up. You would think that this would give me an angry or jaded point of view on ministry and church people- and at one time, that would have been right. Thankfully, despite some really bad experiences, I've had an equal or greater share of positive experiences with church and the people who work in them. But, when talking to people about church and ministry, I often come across the same set of excuses for why church and hanging out with "church people" is not for them. So, in the great tradition I have of making lists on this blog, I give you....a list of reasons/excuses people have given me for not going to and/or getting involved in church (I know, I know. I tried to think of a catchy title, but this is all I can come up with. Suggestions are welcome.)

1. People who go to church have their crap "together"- Um, no. Some of the most screwed up people I've come across in my 30 years on this earth are people who are Christians. Church is for the broken, not the healed (btw- none of us are "healed"). If you walk into a church and you don't feel free to be real with people about who you are and what you're struggling with, turn around and walk out. Seriously. But don't walk home, walk to another church. And another, and another...until you find a church where it's okay to be messed up. Because it's out there.

2. Someone in a church hurt me, and Christians aren't supposed to do that.- Again, I grew up in ministry- in fact, I've been deeply involved in ministry myself- working with and for churches. I'm pretty familiar with how it feels to be hurt and disappointed by someone you at one time spiritually respected. Truth be told, the people who have hurt me the most are people who are Christians- not because they're terrible people, but because being a Christian doesn't make us holy overnight. I am just as capable of saying the wrong thing and being a jerk as I ever was...the only difference is that I'm forgiven and have freedom from those bad attitudes. You're right, church is a place where you should never feel like you're being judged by standards you don't understand, agree with, or know existed. And people in church shouldn't be sneaky, underhanded, or liars. But there are sinful, fallen, screwed up people everywhere- and the church is definitely not immune to it. As my pastor says, being a Christian doesn't make you not a jerk- in fact, for some people, being a Christian is license to be a jerk in the name of GOD! Seriously though, you should feel free to be a work in progress. But also remember, the person who hurt you is a work in progress too- and if you don't like them expecting perfection from you, don't expect perfection from them.

3. I go to church, but I still have problems. In fact, they're worse!- Nope, that's not how church works. Life still happens, and things NEVER go according to plan. Running to God only when there's a problem is similar to being "friends" with that person that only talks to you when they're not in a relationship. Not cool- and God never promised to be "Mr. Fix-It-All the Holy Handyman!". He did promise to be with you and to not change or leave your side. I can't tell you how many times God made His presence and provision known in my life at just the right time. I have to say that I had to choose to either be ruled by my circumstances or to allow God to rule over my circumstances. Also, there are precious people in my life that have blessed me beyond measure that I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for situations I thought were un-redeemable. I'm so glad God is all about the big-picture.

4. Church is nice, but I the people are weird.- Oh yeah, church is definitely a breeding ground for some odd birds! I've been stuck in places where I was like "Everyone here is weird- or am I weird and everyone else is normal?" Don't answer that question. All I can say is, if you really feel like you don't fit in, seek out the "normal" people and spend your time with them (normal people are usually easily identifiable in the sea of strangeness), or if you really think you can't fit in- go to a church that you feel comfortable. Trying to force yourself to be comfortable in an awkward place is just going to make you resent going to church.

5. Church is boring.- Um, not where I'm going to church! Here's a few examples of not-boring churches out there today:

http://www.newspring.cc/

http://www.newspring.org/

http://www.northpoint.org/

http://www.elevationchurch.org/

If you go to church and think it's boring, go to a place that's NOT boring. The great thing about church today is that there really is a flavor for everybody. It might take time, patience, and perseverance, but you will reap the benefits if you put in the effort.

Final Note:

Despite the tongue in cheek attitude of this post, in reality I am daily saddened by the view the world has of the church and the people that follow Christ. I love my church, and I love my Savior. I have experienced the joy of relationship with my Creator, and the joy that comes from serving and loving others. However, I am seeing more and more how the church is becoming so distracted by it's own people and problems, we are forgetting what God put us here to do. So much time and energy is put into debating theology and worship-style...and where in the Bible does it tell us what kind of music to play in church? Christ came to seek and save the lost, hurting, and empty of this world- I was one of them...but so often I am too content with walking by those who are now in the position I was once in. Our hearts should ache more- and that sorrow should lead us to action. But too often we are distracted by ourselves.