I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

Have you ever been so happy and blessed, you felt like you could explode with joy? I have...in fact, I DO! There are so many things coming together in my life right now that I honestly thought would NEVER, EVER come together. You know that passage in Ephesians where it talks about God doing "immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine"? Well, that's what I feel like is happening in my life right now. Great, right?! So why am I struggling with enjoying it?

A long time ago, I published this quote on my blog:

The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love that quote. I published it because it's so true- at least, for me it is. I find that in the midst of all this joy, I find that I struggle with feeling like it's wrong for me to be excited about my life. I told some dear friends of mine that I can't seem to be happy because it's never worked out before and I find myself constantly worrying and waiting for everything to fall apart. Beyond that, I struggle with constant feelings of unworthiness. Why is my life so blessed right now when so many people I care about are going through heartbreak, sorrow, and loneliness? I'm not perfect- at all- so why me? Ugh, it's times like these that I know I'm a woman because I'm pretty sure guys just DON'T worry about stuff like this... So what's my take away in all of this? I'm not finished struggling. In fact, it's a day to day, moment by moment battle. BUT- two things stand out...

First, I'm never ever worthy. No matter how good I am, there's nothing that makes me worthy of God's favor. Rahab was a big time screw up...prostitute, liar, etc... But God redeemed her, gave her a new chance, and allowed her to be in the line of CHRIST. Why? Not because Rahab cleaned up her life and started living perfectly- but because that's how God works. It's not about me. It's about Christ in me. God's love doesn't operate by "the better you live, the more blessed you are." Maybe God's blessing me now to help me understand that it's not about how good I am, rather it's about how good He is to me...even when I don't deserve it.

The second point is actually a question: What am I doing to honor God with these blessings? If God's worked things out for me in this way, how am I honoring Him both in the midst of this and in the time after?

Like I said before, I don't really have all of the answers now. It's still a daily battle...but I want to honor God with these times. I want to glorify Him. I want to look back over this time with others and say "only God could have do, worked things out like that." He is so good to us, not because of what we do, but in spite of it.